I Can't Make Up My Mind

You go shopping, looking for the perfect outfit for an important occasion. One grabs your eye. It’s your favorite color. You like the style, and it’s the right size. Not a bad price. You are almost ready to buy.

But then the questions arise. 

Do I wear too much of that color already? Are people going to think that’s all I own? 

 These doubts start to have their own voice. Can you hear them? 

You don’t have great taste in clothes, you know. 

You don’t deserve something that looks that good. 

Spend your money on somebody else. You shouldn’t be so selfish. 

You never can figure things out. You will not get this right. 

Indecision and self-doubts about making the wrong choice plague many of us. We can spend endless hours laboring over pro and con lists. We keep rethinking our options and lose sleep (and peace of mind) trying to come to the “right” decision.

Keep self-criticism from crushing your spirit

Where did those voices come from anyway?  

Most likely from our parents or others who didn’t really care that much about our needs and wants.

Their harsh judgments got planted in our psyche and we carry them around like faithful companions in our mind. They keep us from getting what we genuinely want and need.

Do self-critical messages keep you from making decisions comfortably? Try this approach to free yourself from them.

First, validate those pushy voices. That’s right. I’m suggesting you notice them, listen carefully to them, and thank them for trying so hard to protect you from making mistakes. Once they “hear” your validation, they won’t need to put so much pressure on you to get your attention.

Then, with mindful awareness, try to locate where the critical messages are located in your body. Does that self-demeaning message make you slump over?? Is your belly tense? Does your back hurt? 

Now place your hands where you feel this sensation. What you notice may be a very tiny sensation. Take your time. Let your breath be relaxed and easy as you allow yourself to notice what you’re feeling. 

See if you can generate kindness toward this sensation. 

Allow the critical message to just be there for a few moments. As you do, notice if anything changes in how your body feels.  

Next, turn your internal attention to what’s underneath this message. What do you really want and desire? 

Let your body be your guide

Can you sense in your body where this genuine desire within you resides?

Place your hands on your body where you notice this new sensation. Perhaps you will be gently holding your heart or your belly and hearing it say to you, Yes, this feels good right now to be seen and heard. 

While holding this area with compassionate attention, ask yourself: What would I need to have for that desire to be fulfilled? Ask: How can I begin giving this to myself? What is my next step? 

Whatever inner nudging arises, treasure it like a little seed you’re just planted. Give space to grow. Even if no obvious guidance shows up right away, allow yourself all the time you need for this seed to grow in the soil. Create room inside yourself for this new awareness, this new growth. 

Consider journaling about it or dancing it out or singing about it aloud. You may be surprised what you express. Receive it with tenderness. 

Get to know your true desires

Trust that leaving behind negative messages and discovering your true wants and needs is a process of discovery. Go back to tend what you planted from time to time, like you would return to a seedling to watch it grow. Get to know this emerging part of yourself, your true desire that may be leading you to something new -- and homegrown within you.

Of course the old voices might reappear with their “shoulds” and “not good enough” messages. When they do, acknowledge them again and hold your body where those voices can be felt residing. Validate and appreciate them again. 

Keep going through the process again and again of thanking the critical messages, then stepping back to make room for new seeds to be planted and valued. Tend to them so they can grow. Let your awareness of your bodily sensations and the kind attention of your hands or the freedom of expressive movement support you.

Now you can feel comfortable making a decision based on the deeply felt wants and needs within you. 

The new seeds you planted will generate greater confidence and ease. Water them with care. Enjoy making decisions that honor who you truly are.